Saturday, March 7, 2015

Sorry Darling, No Updates

I feel so guilty for not having documented your days and years more. I am currently trying to archive my FB updates involving you... But those are mostly just funny, silly convos. None are the heartfelt worries and challenges you present to us.

Right now, you are already sleeping as I type this. You were so sad that Pappie refuses to sleep beside you (coz Yamee is in the middle and it's BBB). I explained to you that you have to stay on my side of the bed so I can nebulize you later, and Pappie is so tired from his trip, he also just wants to get a good night's rest. I asked you to think about it, and think about Pappie's sacrifices for us too.

I still struggle in teaching you to be content... We still have a lot of good days wherein you'll end up in tears and complaining because one very small thing wasn't granted you.

But I cannot really accuse you of being selfish and discontent, because you still show enthusiasm for any little thing.

You wear size 33 shoes now... And has started wushu lessons. Unfortunately, the change in weather had your asthma attacking. I am actually very worried about your asthma, mainly that you have been on Cetirizine for the better oart of last year and all of this year. I am worried about your liver, and the med's effects on your long-term health.

We struggle with homeschooling (you are in Grade 1 now) mainly because of me. Mommy went thru a personal crisis in 2013... One that she is still trying to really overcome so she can just meet all the challenges head on. It is affecting our homeschooling because I have been ambivalent, complacent and unstructured. And the pregnancy isn't helping either.

I love you. Of course, I still do. Sometimes it is so bittersweet for me to realize how you have really let Yamee have more of me, resigned that you are the Kuya that has to give way to him. But it also makes me so proud to see you ever watchful of him, ever protective of him. I love that you have come up with your own games with him... Something that you two alone get.

You still make me smile whenever I see you curled up in a book. You can read well now but still somehow refuse to do so unless you want to. Together with Yamee, you have turned my pristine Calvin n Hobbes books into tattered ones. But how can I complain? You mastered reading when I was always in pain last year due to my gallstones...

Sometimes you will dream of becoming an explorer... But sometimes you tell me you want to stay with us rather than explore the world on your own. Sometimes, you talk about having a wife and kids of your own, already mulling over the decision of whether you will let them borrow your toys.

You are still such a very sweet child, such a very cheerful child, such a very optimistic child. And I love your growing faith in God, which I credit Awesome Kids with.

You are still missing your front upper teeth! And you are about to lose two lower ones.

I send you to buy rice or viands from the kanto all by yourself now. I also even ask you to heat water for your bath yourself. Small little things that make more self-reliant and independent.

I love you, my darling Kobe. Mommy has been lacking so much and yet you always just love me back, too. We are so lucky to gave you.

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